Losing her father at the young age of eight, Amanda Rose was used to protecting herself from pain. Feeling worthless and like a burden to everyone, she was in a dark place.
It was after two suicide attempts, time spent in mental health clinics, and leaving her job to focus on her mental illness that she realized there are valuable lessons to learn from being at rock bottom.
With a powerful message to reach out and talk about how you feel, meet Amanda Rose.
Name: Amanda Rose
Explain the origin of your mental health issues i.e., what is your mental health issue, how did you realize what was happening, how was it affecting your everyday life at the time?
I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when I was 23, however I was living with it for many years prior to this.
I don’t have many memories from when I was young and I think that is my body’s way of protecting itself from the pain. I lost my father to cancer when I was eight years old and I don’t think that is something you ever really recover from. I just remember crying all the time. I was always sad and never experienced true joy. Even though I was smiling on the outside – I felt dead inside.
Before I was diagnosed with depression, I was working full time in payroll and I was always exhausted. At night, the only way I could sleep was by self-medicating with alcohol and other substances. I got to a point where I felt completely worthless. I felt like a burden to everyone in my life. Nothing made me happy and I felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore.
What was the resounding moment when you decided to get help? What made you do it?
Looking back, I wish that I had reached out for help earlier but unfortunately, I didn’t. After a suicide attempt I ended up in the emergency room in hospital and they admitted me to a mental health clinic. Before learning about depression in the clinic, I didn’t even know what it was. And even after learning about it I didn’t want to believe that I had it. I left the clinic after two weeks. I took the anti-depressants they gave me but I didn’t change anything else in my life.
A year later, after another suicide attempt, I spent a month in the mental health clinic. I admitted to myself that I had depression and I actively participated in the activities to assist in my recovery. I learned valuable lessons there that saved my life and I am grateful that these places exist.
After I left the clinic, I was taking my medication and going to therapy but I still hated living. However, I persevered for my friends and family because I will never forget how upset they were when I was hospitalized. I know a lot of people think that suicide is selfish, but when you are that ill you truly believe you are doing the world a favor, and that your friends and family will be better off without you. Obviously, now I know that isn’t true at all. I encourage anyone who is feeling this way to reach out and talk to someone, because you do matter.
How does it affect your everyday life now? Challenges? What skills have you learned to cope?
For the last couple of years, I’ve also suffered from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I think this affects my life more now than depression. I stopped working seven months ago, because I was working in accounts and the deadlines were causing me too much stress. I was not coping with life and everything was overwhelming. I was very anxious all the time and kept having panic attacks. I live with my boyfriend – we have been together for three years – and he offered to support me while I take some time out to look after myself. I am currently studying Human Resources part time and even though it does cause some anxiety, I am managing to keep up with it.
Not being able to work at the moment is stressful. I often feel frustrated that I can’t support myself financially, and feel guilty that I am placing pressure on my boyfriend. But, I always remind myself that this is temporary and that I will feel capable of working again soon. I am growing stronger and I am proud that I am allowing myself time to focus on healing.
Since I have stopped working I have made so many changes to my life; I feel like a brand-new person. And even though I still have a way to go, I am proud of my progress. I no longer smoke, I don’t drink as much, I exercise, I have completely changed my diet, I take lots of supplements, I journal, I practice gratitude and I meditate. Exercise has helped me the most. Nothing too intense just walking in nature or dancing at home. Being in nature and appreciating everything you see is a great way to calm down when you are feeling anxious; it works wonders for me. I prioritize self-care in my daily routine because I cannot support others or contribute to the world if I am exhausted and empty inside.
Positive quotes have helped me in my mental health journey. They give me hope which helps me through tough days. My two favorites are: tomorrow is a new day and brighter days are on their way. Our thoughts really do create our reality so if you can try and change your thoughts you can survive any bad day.
How has living with this mental illness benefited your life? What has it given you?
It has definitely made me stronger. I now know that no matter how low I feel, that I can and will survive. It has also made me appreciate life more. Every day I write down something I am grateful for; it is a great way to help you appreciate your life.
Living with a mental illness requires a lot of self-reflection. It has helped me to realize what my strengths, weaknesses and values are. You need to know these things about yourself to establish healthy boundaries in all areas of your life.
It has also given me a purpose. I want to help others that are experiencing mental illness or going through anything difficult. I want to encourage them to reach out and ask for help, and I don’t want anyone to feel alone like I once did. That is why I started my Instagram account and Facebook page earlier this year, both are called lovelifedear, and I am starting a blog soon. I believe that together we can end the stigma that still surrounds mental health.
What is one piece of advice you would give yourself when you were struggling the most with your mental illness?
It is important to know that it is totally okay to not be okay. You need to feel your emotions to be able to work through them and to grow. If you want help working through them then reach out. Talk about how you are feeling with a therapist or someone close to you. You are not alone and you should not suffer alone.
And please remember that you are loved, you are enough and you deserve to live a full and happy life.
Are you a work in progress? Share your story in the comments below and you may be featured on the blog!