Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby // 4 Ways To Be More Sex Positive

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like I want to start having sex again. That’s right, I said it. 

It’s been about four months now since my breakup, and I haven’t had any partners in the meantime. I needed this time to focus on my own growth, get past the pain. But since I’ve moved out of the acceptance phase, I no longer feel an attachment, or guilt at the notion of being intimate with another person.

Recently, I’ve had the option to engage in sex again, but haven’t taken it. I wanted to speak with my therapist about it, and honestly – that’s something I have trouble with. I consider myself a pretty open person in general, but when it comes to sex, I tend to get uncomfortable. I’ve bought into the idea that sex is something you don’t talk about. While in therapy, I’ve made a conscious effort to venture past my comfort zones and that includes talking about sex. Awkward, bumbling and instantly embarrassed, I finally got the words out:

“I think I want to have sex again, but the idea of another man in my space makes me a little uncomfortable.” 

To which my therapist replied, “If you have hesitation, wait. Write about it, think on it. Sex is okay – it feels good.”

This was exactly what I needed to hear, and what prompted me to write this post. My therapist was so sex positive in that statement, and it inspired me to become more positive about my own pleasure.

Before I ever had sex, I always thought it would be with the love of my life. It would be this amazing, fantastic, super special event. In reality, it was with my first boyfriend and it wasn’t anything to write home about. I had held sex on such a pedestal my entire life (or as long as I had been aware sex existed) that my expectations were shattered. Eventually it got better, but the first boyfriend and I broke up down the line. It would be two more years until I ventured out again.

Honestly, the reason I waited so long was because of shame. As women, we get such a negative label attached to being sex positive, we are called names: 

Whore

Trashy

Slut

Naughty

Attention-seeking 

 

While men get names like fuck boy, women really have the brunt of the shaming. These puritanical ideas about sex, that having a lot of it is bad, nasty, and shameful, causes us to feel guilty for liking it.

But why? For years, I gave into what society whispered in my ear that I was shameful or “slutty,” for sleeping around, but no more.

I am a woman that knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to get it. 

I protect my body and practice safe sex, regardless of what men in the past have tried to “talk me into.” I know how to say no. Just because we enjoy sex, doesn’t mean we don’t have standards. Embrace your sexuality, don’t allow other projected ideas to hinder your experiences.

I wasn’t always this way, and I still struggle. Getting back into having sex two years ago was a challenge. I slept around, but I had literally never done that before. It started off very empowering – I was exploring my sexuality. But, after it stopped with one particular person, I sought it out in anyone, and that’s where the growth and empowerment ended.

I was seeking it out in random men, when I wasn’t in the mind frame to be engaging in that form of sexual activity anymore. Sleeping with random people is okay, if you are okay with it. I would leave feeling empty, unfulfilled and anxious. It wasn’t until a friend gave me some guidance, and my therapist told me that I was seeking validation in the wrong places, that I made a conscious effort to stop. Months later, my second boyfriend and I smacked into each other and 9 months later, here we are. Single and ready to mingle.

Being sex positive means engaging in open and honest communication. It means being accepting of all people’s consensual sexual lifestyles. It means breaking down the concept that one kind of sex practice is better than the other and building a community of people who respect each other and are thoughtful, rather than judgmental. Here are a few ways I’ve learned to become more sex positive:

 

Make room for the asexuals 

Having sex is healthy, but so is not having sex. Some people are asexual, which means they do not experience any sexual attraction. Close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual and while that may seem like a low statistic, it’s still human beings. People with hearts, souls and bodies who have a right to be respected. Others might be gray-sexual, which is a more fluid orientation between asexual and sexual. Not everyone is a completely sexual being, and sex isn’t always essential.

 

Consent is crucial

When there are two consenting adults, anything is possible. Respecting consent is an essential part of being sex positive. Everyone has the right to have sex – or not – on their own terms.

 

Say no to slut shaming

I’m sure you’ve heard someone call women who take birth control pills a slut before. While it’s unfortunate, slut shaming is still alive and well. I’ll admit it, I’ve participated in it as a young woman in my early 20’s. The word was very popular and people threw it around a lot. You were a slut for sleeping around, taking birth control, or even engaging in sexual behavior that wasn’t “the norm.”

Since close to 80% of American women take birth control, including myself, I guess we are all sluts. Whether it’s “feeling bad” for the women who work in pornography or saying that girl was “asking for it,” we must check ourselves before we shame people for voluntarily showing their sexuality.

Take the right and wrong out of being turned on 

So many of us are taught that sexuality is supposed to look a certain way. Instead of relying on porn, the media or what your friends like to do in the bedroom, focus on what you like. Write it down, delve deeper into your own mind, you might like what you find.

BDSM, fetishes, role-playing – all completely acceptable and okay when it’s among two consenting adults. Just because more unknown or unexplored sexual practices could turn you off, doesn’t mean they are wrong. This form of knee jerk reaction is what keeps people discriminated against and marginalized. Let’s respect and acknowledge everyone!

 

Having – or not having – sex is a healthy part of life. Sex can be a form of intimacy, linked to relationships and complex experiences, but there can also be many other forms of intimacy without the act of sex. Whether you do everything, or nothing at all, it’s important to keep ourselves in check when it comes to sex.

While you should never police others for their sexual activity, keeping track of what does or doesn’t make you comfortable is key. Questions like: What is this doing for me? How do I feel afterward? How is my sexual activity affecting other areas of my life like my anxiety/depression/ other mental illnesses?

When we ask these questions of ourselves, we are not only engaging in sex positive behavior, we are closer to being happy healthy sexual beings. So get out there and seek pleasure, but be respectful of others and aware of your actions.

 

 

 

Do you struggle with shame when it comes to sex? Share your thoughts in the comments below. 

 

 

12 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby // 4 Ways To Be More Sex Positive

  1. Loved to find a brave, non conventional lady. Personally, I do not know why sex word itself is such a taboo, so is female sexuality. I’m pretty sure anyone who practises slut shaming does so, because they themselves know the fun 😉 (Not that I love the concept. Huh.). If you like Indian movies, then I would recommend you watch “Lipstick under my burkha” in your language. A good start to expose the hypocrism of sexuality prevailing in the society. Cheers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s astonishing. Here in India, America is portrayed like a country which is half a century ahead of us! I always thought that these are Indian issues primarily, because of its conservative society. 😮

        Liked by 1 person

      2. While some areas are most progressive than others, the stigma and labels are still alive and well. It’s not spoken of, but there is a negative connotation with sex in society still. I hope to break some boundaries and show even just one person that it’s okay to want these things and to navigate sexual freedom in a positive way!

        Like

  2. What a great read! Sex is a healthy, normal and natural thing and there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed when it comes to sex. As long as it’s all consensual, sex is a pleasurable and enjoyable experience! From a young age, we are socialised to think of sex in a negative light with society commonly slut-shaming women for pursuing what makes them feel good. But for men, it’s okay? Sex is rarely talked about in a positive way and that impacts future relationships with others. We need to become more open and honest when it comes to talking about sex. Sex is not a bad thing! To have healthy positive relationships we need to have a healthy perspective towards sex.

    That’s where we come in! I’m running a campaign that aims to reduce the negative stigma and common discomfort when it comes to talking about sex. Great sexpectations is all about making discussions about sex normal and comfortable for everyone. We’ve recently published posts on sex positivity and consent! Check out our page if you’d like to know more. https://greatsexpectationsau.wordpress.com/blog/ – LT

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow thank you for the comment! I completely agree with your words – so well spoken and unfortunately incredibly true in our society for women. Your website sounds great – I’ll definitely check it out!

      Like

  3. I love this blog. Everybody has their own point of views when it comes to sex. The word slut is thrown around over the silliest things. Before you judge a woman and call her a slut or a guy a fuck boy, you must know how and why they are the way the are. People make mistakes but some people are willing to learn.
    I recently wrote a post about sluts and fuck boys and how they are judged and what defines each of them
    godd blog

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I completely agree. Everyone has a predetermined stereotype when it comes to sex. We are all human and flawed – it’s how we handle our mistakes that counts. Slut, fuck boy, or whatever the name, we matter all the same.

      Liked by 1 person

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